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2011-10-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

2011-10-30T01:55:00.002-05:00

i'm moving to another blog i just need to start over

2011-10-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

fuck i am having such bad anxiety issues today i wish this would just go away??? it's like i'll start thinking i'm finally getting a grip on this idiotic panic attack bullshit and i'll even sometimes go weeks without feeling anxious and then my brain is like wow autumn you're feeling a little too much like a normal person so it's time to fuck that up just to give you a reminder that you aren't normal you never were you never will be
and then everything falls apart and i'm back at square one again and i just feel sick i feel alone and i'm NOT alone i KNOW i'm not but sometimes i just really feel like i am which is stupid this whole thing is stupid i don't know i just wish my hands would stop shaking

2011-10-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-10-06T23:04:00.000-05:00

2011-10-04T23:18:00.001-05:00

gotta keep walking forward for now i guess
not many other options

2011-10-01T21:36:00.001-05:00

first and foremost i am not posting this in an attempt to receive pity or whatever which is why i have comments disabled so please do not misunderstand my intent with this entry. i'm not posting this to get a response at all--i don't want responses. i am just getting this off my chest, i guess.

i have been feeling really bad about my art for a long time now. i cannot remember the last time i finished a drawing and felt proud of it.
and then today i tried to sell some commissions through both tumblr and deviantart and got literally no response from either site even though i am in a very bad money situation right now and it just kind of made me realize
i really don't have what it takes to be an artist. i think drawing is fun but i am not a good artist and i feel like i have just been wasting my fucking time all along and i'm in school to become a professional artist and it's so pointless because people won't even buy my drawings for $15 so how the hell do i expect to make a living off of this
i just feel really stupid for ever going to school and for thinking i had the potential to make this work. i don't. despite drawing every day for years now i have improved very little and my art is clearly not desirable to others and i have completely wasted my time and energy all along.
i don't think i'm going back to school after this semester. if i do, it most likely won't be for art. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm not particularly good at anything and honestly i just feel so sad and useless right now, i can't even manage to get a fucking minimum wage job i can't manage to afford groceries i seriously just can't do anything right and i kind of just don't want to exist at all right now. i wish i had come from a normal family with a normal income so i at least could rely on my father for help with food but i don't even have that. i come from this stupid fucking impoverished druggie family and even though i have been so careful not to make the same mistakes as my parents, even though i'm sober and i'm going to college and i'm trying so damn hard, i'm still going to wind up being some poor fucker with no job and no food it's like this was my fucking fate the entire time and i just can't undo it no matter how hard i try.
i'm tired and i'm frustrated and i don't have the slightest clue what i'm supposed to do anymore. i am sad i am so truly sad

2011-09-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-09-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-09-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-09-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-09-20T23:14:00.000-05:00

i'm afraid

i'm afraid

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i'm afraid

i'm afraid

i feel so sick i just want these problems to go away i feel really helpless i feel really alone i feel like nobody wants to help us and anyone who cares enough to help does not have the means to do so we are fucked we are so fucked we are worse off than we have ever been we are alone i am alone

2011-09-19T21:47:00.000-05:00

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2011-09-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-09-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-08-30T23:59:00.002-05:00

2011-08-29T22:19:00.001-05:00

I have never in my nineteen years of existence

felt as pathetic as I do now.

Pride isn't an easy thing to swallow,

and I'm a proud person to begin with.

I can barely manage to mutter the words,

"Please… Spare my life."

It's a bizarre thing,
feeling so terrified of death.
After all, prior to coming to this place,
death was something I had never feared.
I never believed in an afterlife,
so what was there to fear, really?
But now that I am standing in front of this child
(or is it even appropriate to call him a child,
referring to him as if he is human?)
I am faced with the reality that
what happens after one dies isn't what I had initially thought.
He doesn't look me in the eye when he speaks.
"It's almost laughable.
Out of all the people I have killed,
none of them have stayed behind with me.
I am so alone."

I know better than to antagonize this boy.

The scars on my arms are the reminders of

what happens when I don't keep my mouth shut.

But I am apparently not one to learn lessons easily,

because I cannot stop myself from saying,

"Yeah,

because people like you deserve to be alone."

I instantly regret it.
I bite my lip and clamp my eyes shut,
fearfully awaiting his reaction.
He surprises me though, speaking calmly,
and there is a sad tone in his voice,
which is so terribly unlike him.
"I know.
But that's why you will stay with me, right?
Because you and I are the same."

I feel my heart drop.

I feel sick, so very sick.

We aren't the same, we aren't.

I refuse

to believe it.

And I don't want to stay with him.

I don't want to die here.

I try my best to reason with him.

"What good will killing me do?

There is no guarantee that I will stay behind

like you did."

And for a moment,
I can't help but wonder
what does make someone stay behind?
I had always heard people say
that people become ghosts when they have
unfinished business here on earth,
but that can't be right.
This boy left nothing unfinished,
I know for a fact.
His smile is back,
the malicious one he has always worn
since the day I met him.
He tells me,
"Heaven did not want a killer like me,
and the Hell that everyone envisions
does not exist;
this is Hell.
That is how I know
you will stay behind with me.
Heaven doesn't accept killers,
so it's only logical that you, too, will wind up here."

I'm panicking.

How can he possibly know about what I did?

But if there is a Heaven,

then it follows that there is a God,

and surely I can reason with Him.

I've always been told

that God is all-knowing,

so surely He will understand why I did what I did,

why I felt I had to kill her.

But,

as this boy puts his hands around my throat,

and I feel the air leaving my lungs,

I know in my heart

that any explanation I give to God

will be denied,

because they are nothing but excuses.

2011-08-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-08-26T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-08-25T18:39:00.000-05:00

i brought her pink roses

i don't think i'm going back there for a really long time
i thought it would make me feel better, like maybe it would get rid of the guilt of not visiting her grave, but it didn't and i wound up getting really mad for some reason and i think i was sort of screaming at her and i was crying really hard and it was just stupid of me to go there i think
it's not like going there is going to bring her back
leaving her all the pink roses in the world isn't going to bring her back
i just don't want to go back there again

2011-08-24T20:47:00.001-05:00

i think i'm going to visit my mom tomorrow.
it will be the first time i've visited her since her funeral, but it's the anniversary and i think it's time i go.

i cried today.
i don't cry over her very often. won't let myself think about her long enough to allow it. but it just hit me today and i started crying. i cried in front of my father, who hates my mom, who will never in a thousand years understand why her absence hurts me so much.
but he hugged me. he told me how to get to the cemetery. told me he'd pay for flowers if i wanted.
said i'd get through this.
i know.
i know i will get through it and i know i will be fine.
but whether i get through it or not doesn't even matter that much to me right now, because right now it hurts.

but he offered to pay for the flowers.
offered to pay for flowers that will go to a woman he will never stop hating.
i'm going to buy the flowers; it isn't his responsibility to pay for them.
but the fact that he offered means a lot. it means that he's willing to put aside his hate for her just to make me feel ok.

2011-08-23T22:31:00.001-05:00

2011-08-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

2011-08-18T23:23:00.000-05:00

2011-08-15T21:30:00.002-05:00

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2011-08-09T18:45:00.000-05:00

2011-08-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

2011-08-06T13:01:00.001-05:00

last night audrey was mad at dad because he made some sort of offensive homophobic remark i guess and she was complaining at me about it, saying she couldn't even begin to comprehend how someone could possibly have a problem with who someone likes, so i guess i figured now was probably a good time to just go for it and i told her i like girls. she asked if i was a lesbian and i said i didn't know, sometimes i think guys are attractive looking but when it comes down to it i'm not sure if i could ever actually be with a guy. she asked why i hadn't told her sooner and i said i don't know, i just never knew how to bring it up i guess. she said oh ok i understand. and that was it.
i halfway expected her to say she already knew. because that's the response that everyone's best friends give them when they come out, right? "oh yeah i knew all along, it was kind of obvious." but i don't think she did know, she really looked genuinely surprised. both of us looked kind of surprised i think; she was surprised that i was telling her i like girls and i was surprised that these words were actually coming out of my mouth. it was really hard for me to say it for some reason.
she wasn't weird about it though. i knew she wouldn't be weird about it so i don't know why it was so hard to say but it was.
i still don't plan on ever telling my dad. he just doesn't understand these sorts of things and i really don't feel like it's any of his business who i like anyway. audrey was the only person who i felt like i needed to tell and dad is the only person who i feel like i absolutely should not tell and anyone else who finds out i don't really care.
so i guess i sort of feel like i can be myself a little bit more now.

2011-08-03T20:43:00.003-05:00

2011-08-01T20:24:00.002-05:00

2011-08-01T01:59:00.000-05:00

i wish he'd call or something
i don't even know if he's supposed to come home tonight
i don't know how he will get home
i have the car
he doesn't have keys and the front door is locked so i'm just praying he doesn't come home tonight
i'm afraid to sleep because i'm afraid he'll come home and won't be able to get inside but we live in a shady neighborhood so i'm too afraid to leave the door unlocked all night
everything is going so wrong i just want this to stop
it's 2 in the morning surely he isn't coming home tonight they said he was dangerously low on blood so they would definitely need to keep him overnight to get his blood levels back up right
i don't think i'm going to sleep tonight i'm nervous i feel sick i feel really really sick

2011-08-01T00:02:00.001-05:00

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck i'm so afraid i'm shaking so bad i'm terrified
ambulance on the way
i'm going to puke why is this happening again why is everything going wrong

2011-07-30T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-07-27T23:58:00.004-05:00

2011-07-26T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-07-24T23:33:00.001-05:00

2011-07-22T22:11:00.001-05:00

oh and i received the stuff i won from averyniceprince's giveaway today so i wanted to show that off because it is so awesome!!

gasp it is all so great look at all those lovely drawings

oh and also i saw the last harry potter movie last night!!! it was so gooddd tom felton looked handsome as ever I HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM SO BAD but anyway the movie exceeded my expectations and as expected the flashback with snape & lily made me cry like a baby. oh man the part where he was like hugging her and crying OH GOD IT CRUSHED ME my poor heart it was so sad.
but anyway i'd really like to see the movie again i liked it a lot.

2011-07-22T21:49:00.007-05:00

god i am so lame for having a crush on this girl who will never in a thousand years like me back
i think this must be why i refused to have crushes on people for so long haha whenever i like someone it's always someone i don't stand even the slightest chance with so it's such a complete waste of time
at least i know better than to get too heartbroken over it by now
but it still sort of sucks
not in an oh-god-i'm-so-sad-i'm-going-to-cry-over-it sort of way
just an oh-well-that's-too-bad sort of way

i swear if i ever meet a girl i like that actually likes me back i will just die of shock

2011-07-20T23:38:00.000-05:00

2011-07-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-07-14T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-07-14T18:10:00.001-05:00

my mom died almost five years ago and when she died i had a whole lot of other problems going on in my life such as my dad's drug and alcohol addiction and other various things
so i guess maybe i never really dealt with my mom's death properly because i was so distracted by all the other chaotic things going on and sometimes i just have these days where it hits me, like really fucking hits me, that she is gone and she's not coming back
i'm ok with her death really
my mom was a complicated person and deep down i don't think she really wanted to live anymore
if she was ready to go then i'm ok with her going. i understand not wanting to be here anymore
but there are days (such as today) where i wish so fucking badly that i could talk to her just one more time
i mean even if she couldn't speak back that would be ok i just wish she could listen to me for just 60 seconds or something so i could apologize for being such an awful daughter
i know she probably didn't think of me like that but
i do
i was really horrible and i hate that i have to live with this guilt and this regret forever and i can't ever say i'm sorry
our relationship was so complicated and i know i shouldn't kick myself over this because i had reasons for acting the way i did but in her last year i felt like she owed me so much for all the hell she put me through and she owed me infinite apologies and i owed her nothing and fuck she was so fucking ok with that she apologized over and over and why didn't i say i'm sorry too god i just hate myself so much when i think about it
it really fucking hurts having to live with this and i just wish there were some way to convey to her how sorry i am and i wish i hadn't let my pride or stupidity or whatever it was get in the way of apologizing
i
i'm still mad at her sometimes. a lot of the time actually. i'm so mad at her for being a stupid crack addict and a negligent mother and just never coming home that one day and as a result the police had to take me to live with my horrible abusive father i'm so fucking mad about it and i can't seem to let it go
but i'm sorry too i'm really really really sorry i'm sorry for not being able to fully forgive her even though she tried so hard to fix things
christ i'm not asking for her to come back i just want to say i'm sorry to her that's all i fucking want and it's too late i can't do it

2011-07-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-06-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

2011-06-29T02:17:00.001-05:00

I guess He was listening after all.

2011-06-28T23:59:00.022-05:00

things just got
really fucking bad
i'm so afraid
i wish i had the money to leave this place but i don't and i have no one to ask for help
the only thing stopping me from vomiting out of fear is the fact that he didn't kick us out yet
so that means he's still just as pathetic and codependent as ever and he's afraid of us being gone
so at least i can sleep here tonight
even though i don't really want to
i just have nowhere to go
i feel really, really alone
as lovely as all of my online friends are they can't do a thing for me in situations like this and it makes me regret being such a hermit for so many years because now i'm just left with no one

sometimes when he gets like this when we all wake up in the morning things are ok because the drugs have worn off and he's normal again (or at least as close to normal as he's going to get)
so i'm just sitting here praying praying praying that this will be one of those instances and i'll wake up and everything's ok again for a while
God ignores so many of my prayers though so all this praying feels like a futile effort and i'm just scared and alone and for one reason or another He's not listening

he's really drugged out right now though so maybe maybe maybe it's just the drugs and things really will be ok in the morning

praying so hard please listen God please please please

2011-06-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

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2011-06-19T16:10:00.001-05:00

yeah i'm pretty sure i like both guys and girls
but prefer girls.
i guess this is just sort of hard for me because there's no way i could ever tell anyone i know irl? like i could never even tell audrey
which seems silly because she is fine with all orientations and stuff but
i just am afraid that she would look at me differently or something
i know she wouldn't but i'm afraid anyway, you know?
i wouldn't even know how to bring it up.
so i feel like i could never actually have a girlfriend or something because
there's no way i could tell my friends or family that i'm dating a girl.
not that it matters a lot anyway i guess because i haven't had a girl show any interest in me in a long time lmao it's always guys and i dunno i don't really want to date a guy right now i find guys to be really intimidating for some reason.
i feel like i'm going to be single forever lmao i mean i guess that's ok but sometimes it makes me sort of sad.

2011-06-18T23:59:00.002-05:00

2011-06-16T23:59:00.009-05:00

also showing off awesome drawings that some people on tumblr did for me!!! they are the sweetest omg.

dakota and ash, by silver-afrit

gamzee, drawn by sollux

:D!