can I confess something?
maybe this will sound strange coming from someone like me. "someone like me" meaning someone who a lot of you know as very "feminine," sometimes to the point of being excessively so. very into heels and frilly cute things and hair and makeup.
but I honestly feel so horribly uncertain about my gender. I have for a very long time now.
my uncertainty is hard to explain, because I can't exactly say "I see myself as a boy." sometimes I do, and I also sometimes see myself as female, but the majority of the time, I feel like something in between. I guess that sounds weird, but it's how it is.
when someone talks about me with female pronouns, I immediately have this reaction where I want to be like, "what, I'm not a girl!" but then I'm like, "wait, what. yes I am. what the hell, Autumn." and it's so odd.
I hate my chest so much. I recently started exercising a lot, not hoping to lose weight necessarily but more hoping to flatten out my figure. I don't want breasts, I hate them so much because I feel like they don't belong there at all.
for the most part, I dress ultra girly. I guess I do this in an attempt to convince myself that I am indeed a girl and I'm okay with being one, but sometimes it really gets to me and I bind my chest and wear androgynous clothes and make myself look completely genderless so I can look in the mirror and be like, "that's what I'm supposed to look like." I was even brave enough to go to school like that a few times, but ultimately I feel uncomfortable even then because I'm still perceived by others as a woman.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm going to continue being "Autumn," being girly and cutesy, because that's so much easier than trying to explain to my friends and family that I'm not a girl but I'm not a boy. I just needed to get this off my chest, I suppose.
5 comments:
A lot of people who feel the way you're describing identify as gender-queer rather than as male/female, which might be worth looking into. Also, binders might help with your chest issues.
Feeling like you're at all outside the gender binary can be really hard, and figuring out how/if to express how you feel about your gender pretty much sucks, but you're not alone! It might make you feel better to find others who are going through the same things, there are a TON of groups on Tumblr. http://genderqueer.tumblr.com/ and http://queersecrets.tumblr.com/ might be good places to start.
OTOH you might be aware of all of that already, in which case sorry I came across as a patronizing asshole. Either way I wish you luck in figuring this all out, and will totally be behind you all the way.
I wasn't aware of it, actually! I've felt pretty alone about this so it's nice to know that there are other people out there like me, haha. thanks so much <3
I definitely share that feeling too. I feel very genderless in my mind and I kinda wish I was flat again 'cause that was goddamn awesome when I was young.
I get really surprised whenever I hear someone say my name or refer to me as a girl and I nearly start to respond with a "heyy wait, I'm not a girl!" and once I felt a little offended when someone pointed out that I had a higher pitched voice out of all the group with the reasoning that I was a girl so I should have a higher pitched voice than a group full of males.
aah I so know what you mean. it's odd that I've had this name all my life and it still surprises me when people say my name, since it's such a feminine one.
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