i don't even know what i'm doing saying these things here but i feel like i have nobody in the world to talk to right now so here i am. and maybe nobody is listening here either maybe nobody is reading this at all but just the fact that there is a chance that someone is listening to me makes me feel less alone and makes me feel like what i'm saying has some sort of worth no matter how small the amount may be.
i don't even know where to start. i mean, i guess i could start by saying i'm utterly terrified? i feel sick with fear right now. i feel like any second now i am going to puke my fucking guts out because i'm that scared.
the reasons behind my fear are extensive. there is a lot going on.
tonight is my last night in this apartment. i'm moving tomorrow morning. i was really excited to move first. legitimately 100% excited. i was so happy until today. but it's like everything just suddenly started going wrong and now everything is backwards and awful and i don't even remember what my reasons for being so excited were to begin with.
i do remember that the model apartment we saw was pretty. i liked it. really, i did.
but we were given the key to our apartment today and it was the first time i'd ever seen the real thing and i was just so... shocked? sad? horrified?
it's swarming with spiders. i'm so scared of spiders, you have no idea. i really truly am terrified of them and there were these giant spiders in my room and my bathtub and i was just so shocked and scared and i can't believe i am seriously going to have to live in there.
there are no lights in the rooms. it's so dark. the apartment is so fucking dark. it's scary looking, it really is, and i know it sounds silly and childish and i'm not even afraid of the dark but this dark new room that i'm supposed to live in all covered in spiders it's just really terrifying looking.
it's so rundown in comparison to the model apartment. i had expected that it would not be as nice as the model, of course. of course. i'm not stupid. i knew it would not be perfect. but it's so much worse. everything is chipped and gross and entrance was filthy with mud and spiders everywhere.
i have a right to be surprised due to these things, right? i'm not some spoiled child who expects to live in a ritzy gorgeous apartment and i have lived in way way way worse places than this but the thing is i was expecting it to be nice based on the appearance of the model apartment and then it turned out to be something much much worse so it's ok for me to be disappointed and sort of afraid right?
moving was not a choice and maybe that's what's making this feel so much worse than it has to. this whole moving ordeal is so small in comparison to the other things going on.
my mother died a couple of years ago, and my little sister and i received death benefits because of that. the deal with death benefits is that you stop receiving them when you either turn 18 or graduate from high school. obviously i stopped receiving that money ages ago but audrey was still receiving it.
she graduates this month and there goes half our income. we don't even get by on the money we have now; i'm not kidding we pawn shit off every fucking month and live on ramen noodles and saltine crackers. and now we're losing half our money.
audrey and i have been applying for jobs like fucking crazy but nobody's hired us yet and we're really panicking. audrey had an interview today and it went really well and i have one on saturday but they can only hire us for part time and that's just not going to cut it.
we're even more poor than we had to be because my dad is really crazy, i mean like REALLY crazy, he's delusional and thinks he's in a band even though he's not and he went all nuts because of that weird delusion that he's a famous rockstar and he spent thousands of dollars on guitars and amplifiers and other various dumb bullshit. he even spent hundreds of dollars on bass amps and a bass guitar and he doesn't fucking play bass. we got in huge fights over it multiple times and he kept threatening to kick me out and that's really bad you know i have no place to go i don't have a job i don't have a car i have no friends to stay with i have nothing i'm so alone you have no idea so the thought of being kicked out is so horrifying it was the worst threat he could have used and i couldn't say anything after that, couldn't convince him that stupid band didn't exist and he's not famous, couldn't convince him that he had to stop buying all of that idiotic shit because we're so fucking poor we can't afford dinner can't afford shampoo can't afford anything dammit why didn't he understand all of this?
everything fell apart for him a couple of weeks ago though.
it was like, i pulled one thread and his entire delusion fell apart and he was just left with reality and reality right now is so bad and he was sick and afraid when it dawned on him how awful everything really is.
beyond repair, really.
he wouldn't sell the guitars because he's a selfish asshole.
but he stopped buying new ones.
it's too late now though. we have to move to that shitty apartment because we can't afford to live in this one anymore and even downgrading to that apartment won't account for the money we're losing from mom's death benefits. moving to that apartment only saves us $150 a month.
we're so fucked. we are nine kinds of fucked right now.
someone has got to hire audrey and me. they have to or we are going to be on the street. i'm really scared.
and that's not all. i'm afraid of other things too, physical things that literally threaten my life.
like
another one of dad's delusions that he hasn't woken up from yet.
there are some dealers that live around here and in his delusional world they're "after him" for one reason or another so he keeps a loaded gun next to his bed to protect him from the bad guys, i guess.
but he hallucinates
and thinks that people are in the apartment when really it's just audrey and me.
and he'll have the gun in his hand
but it's just audrey and me so if he shoots someone it's going to be one of us.
he had the gun pointed at me one night and i really thought i was going to die because he didn't see me standing there he thought it was someone else and i really thought he was going to pull the trigger because no matter how many times i kept screaming "it's me it's autumn it's your daughter please don't shoot" he wouldn't put the motherfucking gun down.
i'm not stupid for being afraid right? i mean this is really scary isn't it? it's ok for me to be afraid isn't it i'm not stupid am i
i really am terrified and i don't know what to do because if i tell anyone and he gets put in a mental hospital or something what the fucking hell am i supposed to do? i have no job i have no money i am so alone and i have nothing.
and this is getting stupidly lengthy so i'm not going to get into all of the shit that specifically happened today but it was just so much and i feel like i can't handle this anymore.
i wish someone would just tell me things are going to be ok.
i wish someone would convince me things aren't as bad as they seem and i'm going to be ok in the end and this will be over soon.
i don't know if anyone's reading this but if you are then i guess i just want to say thanks for listening. even if you think my problems are stupid and petty and i'm foolish for being upset over all of this, you still listened and that means i'm not as alone as i think i am, right?
3 comments:
I don't think I've ever commented on this blog before, but we've spoken like... once on dA.
...and I don't know what to say. I'm sorry things are going so badly for you and I hope things get better really soon. You aren't being foolish for getting upset. Something about wishing you well with the job interview, and spiders are awful. In any case, I hope things get better for you... yeah.
My God...wow, I can honestly say I'm speechless, but I'm going to try my damndest to write something that can possibly help.
1. That whole delusion thing with your dad, I'm not psychiatrist but if he's having all these delusions and acting out on them he could be schizophrenic or something along those lines. Has he always been like this if you can remember? Or did this possibly come as a result of your mom passing away? You hear all kinds of stories of people just snapping as result of their spouses passing away. Perhaps the whole guitar thing is something he did with your mom? Something he wanted to do to attract women? Just some coping mechanism? Either way it sounds like he really needs help. Also however it happens, you guys need to separate him from that gun, especially if he's not all there. I hope I don't sound like I'm being rude or disrespectful about your father, as I don't know the guy, but from the incidents you've mentioned, having weapons in the home isn't safe at all.
2. Do you have any family or friends from other states that you could possibly stay with during the summer, so that you could work out a plan for better living arrangements? That seems like the best thing right now.
3. In terms of the job situation, I totally feel for both of you. Been job hunting myself for nearly 3 years now and at one point even thought of taking up art commissions but then with this recession and everything, paying for art is more of a luxury right now. If some of the more "popular" internet artists are having a hard time(I remember reading a blog post by dA's barachan where she said she was barely able to make money from selling her work at her usual anime conventions), how can I expect myself, a virtual unknown newbie to this to do better. Though I am trying to promote myself and have been working for the past year, making art for anime conventions around Toronto. But in terms of a "serious" job, I'm going to make a suggestion, one that will make me sound like a hypocrite(I'll explain why in a minute). Why not try places like Home Depot or Walmart? Why does this make me a hypocrite? Well I work at a Walmart and I won't lie, I absolutely hate it. But when you're in a dire situation and need money fast, I'd say go for it. I can tell you, despite places like that claiming they want really educated people, their hiring standards are pretty low. Honestly any idiot could get a job there and depending on whether or not you're a department worker or a cashier you could get a lot of hours. The downside is, they pretty much want you to give up every waking moment to be there...but if you need the money, I guess you just have to grit your teeth a bear it.
4. About moving, I think having all this other crazyness around you is making you really unnerved(perhaps this is what's causing your father to act the way he is as well). It's making the things you dislike and fear(like the spiders), feel that much worse. Stress really does make things that much more difficult, and despite it all you, must find a little "me time" , read, go for a walk, go do girly stuff with your sister, whatever! Just make that time.
If nothing else I've written is helpful or can lift you up a little bit, I hope this. Take care of yourself.
fuck i just typed out this huge response to you guys and then i got an error so it didn't post i am so frustrated aghghghh
i guess i'll just summarize
thank you guys so much for your comments. i really appreciate that you took the time to read that entry even though it was so much complaining hahaha.
my dad is going to see a psychiatrist on june 2nd so hopefully things will get straightened out soon.
and i got some spider killer spray so i will be performing a major spider genocide when i get to the new apartment tomorrow hahaha.
things'll get better, i know, and i'm really sorry for complaining so much but thank you for your kind words; you guys made me feel a lot better and i really appreciate it.
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