things just got
really fucking bad
i'm so afraid
i wish i had the money to leave this place but i don't and i have no one to ask for help
the only thing stopping me from vomiting out of fear is the fact that he didn't kick us out yet
so that means he's still just as pathetic and codependent as ever and he's afraid of us being gone
so at least i can sleep here tonight
even though i don't really want to
i just have nowhere to go
i feel really, really alone
as lovely as all of my online friends are they can't do a thing for me in situations like this and it makes me regret being such a hermit for so many years because now i'm just left with no one

sometimes when he gets like this when we all wake up in the morning things are ok because the drugs have worn off and he's normal again (or at least as close to normal as he's going to get)
so i'm just sitting here praying praying praying that this will be one of those instances and i'll wake up and everything's ok again for a while
God ignores so many of my prayers though so all this praying feels like a futile effort and i'm just scared and alone and for one reason or another He's not listening

he's really drugged out right now though so maybe maybe maybe it's just the drugs and things really will be ok in the morning

praying so hard please listen God please please please