my mom died almost five years ago and when she died i had a whole lot of other problems going on in my life such as my dad's drug and alcohol addiction and other various things
so i guess maybe i never really dealt with my mom's death properly because i was so distracted by all the other chaotic things going on and sometimes i just have these days where it hits me, like really fucking hits me, that she is gone and she's not coming back
i'm ok with her death really
my mom was a complicated person and deep down i don't think she really wanted to live anymore
if she was ready to go then i'm ok with her going. i understand not wanting to be here anymore
but there are days (such as today) where i wish so fucking badly that i could talk to her just one more time
i mean even if she couldn't speak back that would be ok i just wish she could listen to me for just 60 seconds or something so i could apologize for being such an awful daughter
i know she probably didn't think of me like that but
i do
i was really horrible and i hate that i have to live with this guilt and this regret forever and i can't ever say i'm sorry
our relationship was so complicated and i know i shouldn't kick myself over this because i had reasons for acting the way i did but in her last year i felt like she owed me so much for all the hell she put me through and she owed me infinite apologies and i owed her nothing and fuck she was so fucking ok with that she apologized over and over and why didn't i say i'm sorry too god i just hate myself so much when i think about it
it really fucking hurts having to live with this and i just wish there were some way to convey to her how sorry i am and i wish i hadn't let my pride or stupidity or whatever it was get in the way of apologizing
i
i'm still mad at her sometimes. a lot of the time actually. i'm so mad at her for being a stupid crack addict and a negligent mother and just never coming home that one day and as a result the police had to take me to live with my horrible abusive father i'm so fucking mad about it and i can't seem to let it go
but i'm sorry too i'm really really really sorry i'm sorry for not being able to fully forgive her even though she tried so hard to fix things
christ i'm not asking for her to come back i just want to say i'm sorry to her that's all i fucking want and it's too late i can't do it