last night audrey was mad at dad because he made some sort of offensive homophobic remark i guess and she was complaining at me about it, saying she couldn't even begin to comprehend how someone could possibly have a problem with who someone likes, so i guess i figured now was probably a good time to just go for it and i told her i like girls. she asked if i was a lesbian and i said i didn't know, sometimes i think guys are attractive looking but when it comes down to it i'm not sure if i could ever actually be with a guy. she asked why i hadn't told her sooner and i said i don't know, i just never knew how to bring it up i guess. she said oh ok i understand. and that was it.
i halfway expected her to say she already knew. because that's the response that everyone's best friends give them when they come out, right? "oh yeah i knew all along, it was kind of obvious." but i don't think she did know, she really looked genuinely surprised. both of us looked kind of surprised i think; she was surprised that i was telling her i like girls and i was surprised that these words were actually coming out of my mouth. it was really hard for me to say it for some reason.
she wasn't weird about it though. i knew she wouldn't be weird about it so i don't know why it was so hard to say but it was.
i still don't plan on ever telling my dad. he just doesn't understand these sorts of things and i really don't feel like it's any of his business who i like anyway. audrey was the only person who i felt like i needed to tell and dad is the only person who i feel like i absolutely should not tell and anyone else who finds out i don't really care.
so i guess i sort of feel like i can be myself a little bit more now.