i think i'm going to visit my mom tomorrow.
it will be the first time i've visited her since her funeral, but it's the anniversary and i think it's time i go.

i cried today.
i don't cry over her very often. won't let myself think about her long enough to allow it. but it just hit me today and i started crying. i cried in front of my father, who hates my mom, who will never in a thousand years understand why her absence hurts me so much.
but he hugged me. he told me how to get to the cemetery. told me he'd pay for flowers if i wanted.
said i'd get through this.
i know.
i know i will get through it and i know i will be fine.
but whether i get through it or not doesn't even matter that much to me right now, because right now it hurts.

but he offered to pay for the flowers.
offered to pay for flowers that will go to a woman he will never stop hating.
i'm going to buy the flowers; it isn't his responsibility to pay for them.
but the fact that he offered means a lot. it means that he's willing to put aside his hate for her just to make me feel ok.