So. It's August 25th.
I carry
so much guilt.
My mom
was horrible before she went to rehab. I hated her. I hated her for what she did to me, I hated her for not leaving Rex, I hated her for taking a chance to make our lives better and making it worse instead.
I prayed every night for God to either kill me or her, one of us had to go because I just couldn't stand this life anymore.
How strange that my Father is so cruel for actually answering my prayers.
Shame on You Father for procrastinating, for killing her a year later when she was sober.
I wrote
such terrible hate letters to my mom in my diary. I read through them a while ago, and one line in particular makes me so sick to my stomach.
"You will die weak, just like Rex!!"
How could I say something like that? Oh my god, she did, she did die weak like Rex.
I pray now
that my mom can forgive me for such horrible prayers,
and I pray that Father will be more kind to me in the future and disregard such childish prayers,
and I pray that He will help me let go of this guilt.
