I have never in my nineteen years of existence

felt as pathetic as I do now.

Pride isn't an easy thing to swallow,

and I'm a proud person to begin with.

I can barely manage to mutter the words,

"Please… Spare my life."

It's a bizarre thing,
feeling so terrified of death.
After all, prior to coming to this place,
death was something I had never feared.
I never believed in an afterlife,
so what was there to fear, really?
But now that I am standing in front of this child
(or is it even appropriate to call him a child,
referring to him as if he is human?)
I am faced with the reality that
what happens after one dies isn't what I had initially thought.
He doesn't look me in the eye when he speaks.
"It's almost laughable.
Out of all the people I have killed,
none of them have stayed behind with me.
I am so alone."

I know better than to antagonize this boy.

The scars on my arms are the reminders of

what happens when I don't keep my mouth shut.

But I am apparently not one to learn lessons easily,

because I cannot stop myself from saying,

"Yeah,

because people like you deserve to be alone."

I instantly regret it.
I bite my lip and clamp my eyes shut,
fearfully awaiting his reaction.
He surprises me though, speaking calmly,
and there is a sad tone in his voice,
which is so terribly unlike him.
"I know.
But that's why you will stay with me, right?
Because you and I are the same."

I feel my heart drop.

I feel sick, so very sick.

We aren't the same, we aren't.

I refuse

to believe it.

And I don't want to stay with him.

I don't want to die here.

I try my best to reason with him.

"What good will killing me do?

There is no guarantee that I will stay behind

like you did."

And for a moment,
I can't help but wonder
what does make someone stay behind?
I had always heard people say
that people become ghosts when they have
unfinished business here on earth,
but that can't be right.
This boy left nothing unfinished,
I know for a fact.
His smile is back,
the malicious one he has always worn
since the day I met him.
He tells me,
"Heaven did not want a killer like me,
and the Hell that everyone envisions
does not exist;
this is Hell.
That is how I know
you will stay behind with me.
Heaven doesn't accept killers,
so it's only logical that you, too, will wind up here."

I'm panicking.

How can he possibly know about what I did?

But if there is a Heaven,

then it follows that there is a God,

and surely I can reason with Him.

I've always been told

that God is all-knowing,

so surely He will understand why I did what I did,

why I felt I had to kill her.

But,

as this boy puts his hands around my throat,

and I feel the air leaving my lungs,

I know in my heart

that any explanation I give to God

will be denied,

because they are nothing but excuses.

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Dave. 8)

and to balance out all the fanarts I've been drawing lately (ahaha) I drew an oc as well.

Blair.


I got a 102% on the math test I took yesterday :D

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Fugue characters.



pretty bogged down with homework. so far my homework for math hasn't been excessively difficult but it's insanely time-consuming. I spend like two hours on each assignment and we often get more than one assignment a night. also got a test in that class on Wednesday. greaat.
dad got real mad at me today for being down about school but man I'm tired and I'm not gonna pretend I'm not. school is pretty exhausting. so piss on him, he can get mad at me for being tired if he wants, but when it comes down to it all he does is lay on his ass and sleep all day AND night while expecting me to go to school full time and run errands and drive Audrey around and do all the cooking and cleaning and now I'm the one paying for all our groceries and shit too despite being unemployed so w/e yeah I'm tired.

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various drawingss.

Ezekiel. I think I mentioned it before but he eats nightmares, so that's what the black stuff is. the nightmares look like smoke but it's actually kind of like... solid? it's this weird in-between state of solid and liquid I guess. AS IF IT MATTERS ANYWAY since I'll probably never do anything with this guy's story. aaaah.


lamb boy that I haven't drawn in like two thousand centuries and probably won't draw again for another several centuries. poor baby is so neglected. I just have too many characters LMAO D:


aaaand yet another one of my neglected characters. Aiden. the picture moves. this was part of the animation of Blair but I'm not gonna work on it anymore. it wasn't turning out how I wanted.


Alex Mercer. I bought Prototype last night and I really like it so far *-* I GUESS I HAVE A THING FOR GAMES WITH HOODED MAIN CHARACTERS OR SOMETHING.

uhh lesse. besides drawing way too much (LOL I CAN'T QUIT DOODLING LATELY) I spent most of the day doing homework I guess.
oh and Audrey and I went and saw The Green Hornet. I know it got pretty bad reviews but I kinda liked it LOL. it definitely wasn't mindblowingly awesome but it was entertaining. AND KATO WAS SO CUTE *-* dat suit/uniform omg. sexyy.
the only thing that kind of irked me about the movie (and oddly enough it doesn't seem to be what everyone else is complaining about rofl) was that they made Kato some martial arts genius. WHY. WHY IS EVERY ASIAN IN AMERICAN MOVIES A KUNG FU FIEND. that is the most obnoxious and overdone stereotype ever holy crap. but Kato looked so freaking badass the whole time that I was sorta less irked than I normally would have been AHAHA *so shallow*
Chudnofsky was kind of...like, idk maybe it was just me but in my opinion he looked EXTREMELY similar to Ethan Mars from Heavy Rain ROFL. like an older version of him. so the whole time I'm sitting there like "I KNOW THIS GUY'S SUPPOSED TO BE A VILLAIN BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE ETHAN." I liked him though P: he had a really eerie vibe about him, like, the way he was so calm and had almost sort of a nice demeanor, but still killed so ruthlessly. KINDA AWESOME.
the only character I really didn't care for was Britt LOL. ugh it's so annoying when I don't like the main character of a story/movie/game/whatever. he was just one of those characters I don't care for though. dumb, lazy, woman-obsessed... (and LOL as if he were really woman-obsessed anyway; pretty sure he had a thing for Kato. the ladies were a total cover-up. just throwin that out there.) dumb/lazy people make for excellent side characters, but usually are horrible main characters. it worked really well with the storyline and I didn't completely hate him but yeah definitely not likable either imo.
okokok I'm rambling D: gonna go finish up my homework. or play Prototype. probably the latter.

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my dad is such a dork LOL. today he woke me up at 5:30 in the morning and was like "SURPRISE!!! I made you breakfast!" and I was so freaking confused because it was 5:30AM on a Saturday but my dad hasn't made me breakfast since... actually, I don't think he's ever made me breakfast? LOL so I didn't ask him why he decided to do it so early, since he was obviously trying to be nice. so we sat there eating and talking for a bit and then all of a sudden he paused and was like, "OH CRAP, it's SATURDAY, isn't it? oh my god, I thought it was Friday. I-I'm sorry!! you didn't even need to be up so early, you probably wanted to sleep in! sorryyyy..." LOLL HE FELT SO BAD :( I was like "it's ok it's ok!!"
whenever he's trying to do something nice for me, he tries so damn hard but ALWAYS manages to do something wrong and it's like, the cutest thing ever LMAO. like a while back, he and I were at the mall and I saw this stuffed sheep that I wanted sooo bad (hi i am a mature adult) and it was the only one left but I was broke and couldn't afford it, so we just went to the next store and that was that. but the next day when I got home from school, Dad handed me a bag with a stuffed sheep in it and was like "SURPRISE!!! it's the sheep you wanted, right!?" and I looked at it and it was the complete wrong sheep ROFL. I mean, this sheep bared absolutely no resemblance to the one I wanted other than it was the same animal. it was a completely different color and everything. (of course I never told him it was the wrong sheep. I was like "yeah it's the exact one!!") I HAVE THE SILLIEST DAD EVER. poor guy, he tries so hard hahaha.

anywayy
drawing yaes. IT MOVES.

Blair. part of an animation I was working on. idk if I'll finish it.

edit: OH YEAH I'm gonna actually start using my tumblr now if anyone is interested in following. I don't plan on posting art there; I just reblog shit rofl. anyway here it is.

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Blair

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zero


aiden, blair


idk

guess who can't sleep lol

happy valentine's day!

I dunno what it is about Blair that makes me think of Valentine's Day, haha. I guess since he tends to have blood all over his shirt... the red makes me think of Valentine's Day LOL.
_{Dunno who he plans on giving the roses to, since the only person he associates with is Aiden, and he intends to kill Aiden ahaha. Not a very loving bond going on between them kekek.}

I gotta get back to studying, ughh. I just wanna sleep :(

lots of crossdressing ahead

You guys have Reggie to thank for these completely ridiculous drawings.
Same meme as yesterday, but this time with some of my male characters (/sob)
I don't think I've done a colored drawing of Ren or Sirge since I changed their hair colors... I'm kind of sad that their new hair colors have to be introduced while they are crossdressing LOL...


Julien. Unfortunately, I think this is probably the manliest outfit I wound up with throughout this meme.


Chance :<


Ren. LOL god.


Blair. lmao this was a weird outfit.


LOL ;__; Sirge.


Faen. fml.

spirit weapons

This sheet obviously doesn't go with the Kor one LOL. Completely different story lines.

I think he looks a little too tall/old but ohhh well. I'll get the hang of drawing people the correct ages someday hahaha.

I always hate rambling about Mabinogi because I know it makes me sound like a complete nerd, but ah well here I go anyway LOL.
I broke my contract with my spirit weapon a couple of days ago. /sob. I loved him to death, but the sword I made the contract with was a purple claymore, and I still think that's a cool ego since it was a rare event sword, but when it comes down to it... MY CHARACTER DOESN'T WEAR PURPLE LOL ;__; He only wears black and bright red, so my poor spirit clashed with all of my character's clothes. I tolerated it for a while, but it was starting to REALLY bother me, so I finally broke my contract and got a new ego.
I decided that since I was going for a new ego, I wanted an entirely different spirit, just for the hell of it, so now I have a blunt weapon spirit.

ISN'T HE HOT?
I was kind of startled by how little clothing he wears though LMAO. H-he's almost naked D8

happy thanksgiving!

(click = bigger)

People like Blair probably never get their wings, but I think he would make a pretty angel anyway, hahah.

We're broke as usual, so we just wound up buying some sliced turkey and had turkey sandwiches for Thanksgiving LOL. ghetto thanksgiving gogogo 8D
Even though it was kind of a lame/cheap meal, it was really easy (required absolutely no cooking kekek) and it tasted gewddd.

Alllllso, I am now officially a NaNoWriMo winner for this year :) Story still isn't done, but I'm not sure if I'll keep writing until the end of November. I'm bored stiff from writing so much. Wanna get back to CGing 8(
The only thing that bothers me about stopping now is that it'll mess up my perfect word count graph LOL good god would someone please slap me. MAYBE I'LL QUIT WRITING NOW JUST TO REBEL AGAINST MY OCD.

what the hell is this

I was messing around on Wikipedia and stumbled into a rather odd entry.
(click on the image if the edge gets cut off)

LOL WTF?
The entry has already been edited over, but it made me laugh hahaha.

Anywayy here's my doodle(s). The pictures are supposed to go together but yeah you know how my blog loves to cut pictures off lolol. I'd just downsize them if it didn't make the lines so damn blurry. Or maybe I should just quit drawing SO DAMN HUGE.


I'll draw someone other than Aiden and Blair tomorrow I swear x__x

split

I KIND OF MISS DRAWING RIDICULOUS EYELASHES LATELY.

Another boring drawing of Blair because I am too brain-dead to come up with anything even remotely creative to draw right now lkjdsflkjsdf. So damn tireddd.
Blair's hair gives me a hard time because I dunno how to draw like.. loose side ponytails or whatever it is that he has going on /sob. I'll figure it out eventually hahah.

Anywayy
for some strange reason, during the past week or two, my hair somehow acquired the worst split ends in history, so I had Audrey trim my hair today. Looks sooo much better now, but I do have to admit that I'm a little sad, because it looks just a bit shorter and I'm trying so hard to grow it out ;__; Booooo... But one of my biggest hair pet peeves is when I see those fools who have hair down to their asses but the split ends are fucking awful. I'm like "uh okay long hair is pretty and all WHEN IT'S HEALTHY, YOU RETARD. TRIM THAT SHIT." so I'm not about to be one of those people rofl.

Oh and this is off topic but

I should be sick of this song by now, since I hear it SO MUCH while playing Persona, BUT INSTEAD OF GETTING SICK OF IT, I JUST WANNA HEAR IT MORE LOL. I actually disliked this song (a lot) the first time I heard it... but every time I had to listen to it during a battle, I slowly started to like it more and now I'm just totally addicted to it LOL ;__;
Wish I could understand what the fuck she is saying in the song though pffft (is that some bad Engrish going on or what)

obsessive

Okay, I'm separating this entry from my other one, even though I'm writing them on the same day, simply because creepy nightmare entry doesn't go with the rest of the crap I'm gonna ramble about.

Sort of went shopping today. I got this little ten dollar off thing in the mail for Kohl's, and I don't normally go to Kohl's but hey ten dollars off and it was even valid for stuff that was on sale, so hell yes I took a trip to Kohl's today. All I got were two shirts, but they're cute :) Yay. Shockingly enough, they aren't vests LOL. There were a shitload of sweater vests, but ehhh most of them kinda looked too similar to ones I already have (argyle argyle and more argyle), so I decided to pass on those.

As for NaNoWriMo, I'm still going kind of slowish, but I'm almost wanting to blame my ridiculous obsessive compulsive behavior on my slow writing this year.
I keep laughing at my NaNo graph.

I wanna write more than 2,000 words, but I'm having so much trouble with it simply because it'll mess up my graph LOL God help me this is pathetic. At least I haven't been a COMPLETE nut case with it and insisted on precisely 2,000 words. I have a few days where there's a little more and a little less than 2k, but still... it's pretty bad lolol.

Anyway here's mai doodle.

/sob why can't I draw anything decent lately.
This is the main character from the excerpt I posted a couple of days ago. (Whooops, left out his scarf.) I wound up needing a name for him, so I started calling him Aiden just because it was the first thing that came to mind, but I think it works okay for him. Had to come up with a name for his little violinist-stalker-ghost too, so he's Blair... for now. I get so iffy about my names that I'm not sure if I'll stick with that one.

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Lazy lazy lazy but I am in a hurry.
I think I made him look just a bit too old /sob

at the end of the hall

I'm probably the only person in the universe that procrastinates on NaNoWriMo by writing a different story LOL.
I'm sad because I think this story is a hell of a lot more fun to write than Crescendo :< But ah well, I don't think it would be long enough for NaNoWriMo anyway. I believe someone said they were curious about my writing style several entries ago? I'm reluctant to post my writing because I really don't know how to write, but I don't think I'm going to have time for a drawing today, soo... here's part of the non-nano story I'm playing around with instead of a drawing. (Just as a note, this isn't the beginning of the story. This is near the end of chapter 1.)

The room at the end of the hall is a room I have never entered before. A room I have never been allowed to enter, to be more specific. When I was a child, I was simply told that that room was off-limits; I was given no explanation for it. I didn't even particularly want an explanation. Nobody ever entered the room, so if they didn't want to go in there, then neither did I.
But now I am curious. And this is my house now, so I am allowed to enter whatever room I please, correct?
I slowly reach out to turn the doorknob, and…
Nothing. I can't get the knob to turn all the way. It is locked or stuck or something of the sort. Well, that's no fun. I'll have to have someone come fix that.
I turn to leave, but suddenly, I hear something come from the room. I freeze.
It's quiet, so faint that I can hardly hear it, but I can definitely hear the sound of someone playing violin on the other side of the door.
I know I must sound crazy, but I am telling you, I can hear it! In fact, I even recognize the song; it is Bach's Little Fugue in G Minor. I press my ear to the door, but the moment I do, the song stops. I am frozen like this, plastered to the door, too terrified to move. My heart is racing. I know I heard it, I know I did! But now there is nothing –
My heart skips a beat as I hear a giggle come from behind the door. It's the same laugh I heard on the stairs, the laugh of a child. A boy, I think. I'm so afraid that it's difficult to get myself to move, but I force myself to crouch down and peer into the room through the keyhole.
Much to my horror, a set of eyes stare back me. This is not just a normal person staring back at me, I should add. This person is transparent. I can see the whole room behind him, through him.
I am no longer frozen in front of the door; I am running, running, running. I think I might be screaming, too, but I'm too focused on getting the hell out of this hallway to know for sure. No, getting out of the hallway or even off of this floor doesn't feel like enough. I am running down both flights of stairs, through the main floor's hallway, and bolting straight out the front door.
I stand at the very edge of the front yard, staring back at the house as I try to catch my breath. My breath is visible out here in the cold, white puffs of smoke crawling out of my mouth every time I exhale. My heart pounds as I try to think of somewhere to go, because I certainly don't want to go back in there. I don't have any friends to call, I no longer have any parents to go to, no family that would welcome me –
At the thought of what my family would think of me standing outside, shivering in the cold because I am too terrified to enter my own house, I feel my notorious stubbornness creeping up. They would quite surely be laughing their asses off if they were to see me right now. The sheer thought of it has me angered.
I am walking firmly back into the house. For the trillionth time, this house is not haunted, because ghosts are not real, dammit! What I heard and what I saw were merely hallucinations because I am extremely fatigued. I have not slept well at all for the past week or so, because I have been busy packing, and because I have been busy studying for my upcoming exams.
I am storming up the stairs now, up one flight, and then the next. I am not afraid of the third floor, and I will prove that nothing was there. I ignore the fact that my heart is beating a billion beats per second. (And, by the way, my heart is only racing because I just took that sprint outside; I assure you, my heart is not racing because I am afraid of this house!)
I am walking down the third floor corridor, past the library full of books I have never read, past the bizarre mirrored room and past the art studio with the unfinished painting of a familiar looking blond boy (who is seeming familiar more now than ever, but I am unconcerned with this at the moment), and down to the very end of the hall where the once-forbidden room is.
The door is still locked. Of course. Why wouldn't it be?
I press my ear to the door, but I hear nothing. Through the keyhole, I see no eyes staring back at me. All I can see through this small hole is part of a grand piano, and on the wall across from me is a sliding glass door that leads to a balcony. Transparent curtains hang in front of the door, moving slightly as if there is a draft in the room.
I step back from the door. See? Nothing strange at all!

TOLD YOU I CAN'T WRITE.
The main character has no name yet LOL /sob
I almost wonder if he even requires a name...
:< Well, even if he doesn't REQUIRE one, I would still like for him to have one, I think.

stalker

A very small stalker, that is. hahaha.

20000 words on NaNoWriMo yesyesyes